It's true. I wish I didn't have to tell you this, but I'm a procrastinator. A pretty good one if I do say so myself! I have only finished one thing from my homework load, and I have many more things to do. I have probably watched over eight hours of Netflix within the last 24 hours (really lazy) and I seem to do everything except for my homework. I feel like I have come to the point where I just want to be done with this semester. I think that a lot of college students hit the same wall I am currently hitting.
I am already planning out a full day of procrastination! I am going to go to Barnes and Noble to finish a book I started there a while ago, I might drop into Bath and Body Works to torture myself, and I might get my oil changed today. Now, I will end up doing homework today; I just don't know when. I have a huge presentation due on Thursday, but.... I haven't gotten all my information for that done either. Hello Procrastination.
I have a problem.
w/love,
Kela
Saturday, November 29, 2014
Thursday, November 27, 2014
A Picture From The Past
Ah, Thanksgiving. The day we are supposed to revel in the things we are thankful for. Today I will see a bajillion posts on Facebook from people talking about what they are thankful for. I have things to be thankful for as well; I have a home, my mom hasn't left me, and my sister is alive. When I was younger, I never understood why holidays were a sad time for people. As life continues and I get older, I now understand why people don't enjoy holidays. On holidays we're supposed to be surrounded by our families and reminisce on the good times we have had. Not everyone has that or is able to experience that.
Last night I got home from college and I decided to clean the house; a surprise for my mom since I am not able to do much for her since I am in school. As I was cleaning, I came across a picture of my sister and I. We are in Nevada I think, or maybe New Mexico ( I can't remember, it have been quite a while), I'm about 9 and she is probably 7. This picture breaks my heart. I can't stop looking at it. She is holding my arm and has the biggest smile on her face. She is innocent. I am innocent.
I never thought my life would change so drastically on so many different levels, but I guess that was the thinking of my nine year old brain.
My sister has been struggling with an addiction to Meth since the age of 13. It didn't start out with Meth though. When we moved back to Oregon, I was about 13 and my sister was 11. I went to the local high school as a freshman and my sister went to the the local middle school as a seventh-grader. My family fortunately(at the time)/unfortunately (now) moved to a very, very small town. Needless to say, we were the new girls. I guess middle school is hell, and this middle school was no exception. Every day after school I would hold my sister as she cried in my arms. Kids at the school would chase her and throw rocks at her. Calling her names and physically harassing her was the only thing my sister got from school. Home life was starting to take a different path than what we were used to. My dad was unable to find a teaching job in Oregon, so that meant that only my mom was working. Things started going downhill pretty fast.
The story of my father is not important at this time, I will tell that later. My sister is what is important right now.
The middle of my sister's seventh grade year, she started drinking and smoking pot. In a weird way, I still wish that she was ONLY smoking pot. The naive 13 year old me thought the world was over though. My little sister getting the cops called to the school because she has a bong in her backpack. The word spread like wildfire and the constant teasing and harassment only got worse for both of us.
While my sister was struggling with pot, my dad was struggling with not having a job. He turned to alcohol. He is a very violent/crazy drunk. I had my ways of dealing with everything going on in the house, and so did my sister. At first she turned to boys. She had her first boyfriend years before I would have mine. Pretty soon she would start going to parties and popping pills. My dad was never a constant in the house, and when he was in the house things were very bad. My mom worked three jobs for the first year, so she was never home because there was no one else to support the family. I was the one to first watch my sister go down hill.
I watched my sister crawl up the stairs because she was so high she couldn't walk. I would walk through the cemetery at night to look for my sister because she was drunk. I would hold my sister's hair back as she would throw up in the toilet because she was too drunk to do it herself. I would break up the fights my sister would get in. I have watched my sister turn into a bag of bones, right before my eyes. I was the one who had to tell my mom that I thought my sister was doing Meth.
-----> I hope I have caught your attention, and I would like to mention something else before I continue:
My mom has done everything she possible can to take care of my sister and I. Unless you are living with us, unless you have gone through exactly what we have/are going through, there is no way it is alright to judge. I have grown up with people telling me that my mom is a horrible mom for letting her daughter get involved with drugs and for working so much.When you are poor there is not a lot you can do. People don't see what my mom has done for us, and that kills me. You make think you know what you would do if you were in my situation, but things change once you are actually put into the situation. Trust me.<-------
Drugs destroy. They destroy a family, relationships, life, and futures. My mom has done everything she could do. We have sent my sister out of State. My mom cut back work hours. The thing is, you can't stop someone from doing what they want. Do I think my sister wanted her life to be ruined? No, but my sister wanted the holes that were being created in her heart to be filled up. My sister turned to drugs once people started hurting her. We all turn to something when we are hurt, but unfortunately sometimes those things end up hurting us more than the things we are going through at the time.
I could go on for hours about everything that has transpired since the first day my sister decided to do drugs, but I think that would be too much for right now.
You may be wondering what the hell this has to do with Thanksgiving:
I found a picture and it is bringing back painful memories. That's what this post has to do about Thanksgiving.
Today is Thanksgiving and currently I am sitting here staring at a picture of my sister and I, while my sister is currently not home. Holidays have painful ties to the past. Holidays are lonely. Holidays suck. Even though my family has its problems, I love my mom and sister. I will not stop loving my sister. One day, she will get her life together. I pray for her every day. I have people at my college pray for her. My mom and I are trying to help her, but it is her choice to accept it.
I wanted the starting posts of my blog to be happy and light, but I don't want to lie to you about how my life is going. My life isn't always light and happy. I do know though that my life isn't the worst. I could be homeless, I could be getting raped every day. I am blessed that God has given me what he has.
Life isn't a competition, and our problems are not a competition I never want to sound like I'm trying to win a competition on "who's life sucks", but I want to be real.
Stay classy and drink your coffee, Oregon.
w/love,
Kela
Last night I got home from college and I decided to clean the house; a surprise for my mom since I am not able to do much for her since I am in school. As I was cleaning, I came across a picture of my sister and I. We are in Nevada I think, or maybe New Mexico ( I can't remember, it have been quite a while), I'm about 9 and she is probably 7. This picture breaks my heart. I can't stop looking at it. She is holding my arm and has the biggest smile on her face. She is innocent. I am innocent.
I never thought my life would change so drastically on so many different levels, but I guess that was the thinking of my nine year old brain.
The story of my father is not important at this time, I will tell that later. My sister is what is important right now.
The middle of my sister's seventh grade year, she started drinking and smoking pot. In a weird way, I still wish that she was ONLY smoking pot. The naive 13 year old me thought the world was over though. My little sister getting the cops called to the school because she has a bong in her backpack. The word spread like wildfire and the constant teasing and harassment only got worse for both of us.
While my sister was struggling with pot, my dad was struggling with not having a job. He turned to alcohol. He is a very violent/crazy drunk. I had my ways of dealing with everything going on in the house, and so did my sister. At first she turned to boys. She had her first boyfriend years before I would have mine. Pretty soon she would start going to parties and popping pills. My dad was never a constant in the house, and when he was in the house things were very bad. My mom worked three jobs for the first year, so she was never home because there was no one else to support the family. I was the one to first watch my sister go down hill.
I watched my sister crawl up the stairs because she was so high she couldn't walk. I would walk through the cemetery at night to look for my sister because she was drunk. I would hold my sister's hair back as she would throw up in the toilet because she was too drunk to do it herself. I would break up the fights my sister would get in. I have watched my sister turn into a bag of bones, right before my eyes. I was the one who had to tell my mom that I thought my sister was doing Meth.
-----> I hope I have caught your attention, and I would like to mention something else before I continue:
My mom has done everything she possible can to take care of my sister and I. Unless you are living with us, unless you have gone through exactly what we have/are going through, there is no way it is alright to judge. I have grown up with people telling me that my mom is a horrible mom for letting her daughter get involved with drugs and for working so much.When you are poor there is not a lot you can do. People don't see what my mom has done for us, and that kills me. You make think you know what you would do if you were in my situation, but things change once you are actually put into the situation. Trust me.<-------
Drugs destroy. They destroy a family, relationships, life, and futures. My mom has done everything she could do. We have sent my sister out of State. My mom cut back work hours. The thing is, you can't stop someone from doing what they want. Do I think my sister wanted her life to be ruined? No, but my sister wanted the holes that were being created in her heart to be filled up. My sister turned to drugs once people started hurting her. We all turn to something when we are hurt, but unfortunately sometimes those things end up hurting us more than the things we are going through at the time.
I could go on for hours about everything that has transpired since the first day my sister decided to do drugs, but I think that would be too much for right now.
You may be wondering what the hell this has to do with Thanksgiving:
I found a picture and it is bringing back painful memories. That's what this post has to do about Thanksgiving.
Today is Thanksgiving and currently I am sitting here staring at a picture of my sister and I, while my sister is currently not home. Holidays have painful ties to the past. Holidays are lonely. Holidays suck. Even though my family has its problems, I love my mom and sister. I will not stop loving my sister. One day, she will get her life together. I pray for her every day. I have people at my college pray for her. My mom and I are trying to help her, but it is her choice to accept it.
I wanted the starting posts of my blog to be happy and light, but I don't want to lie to you about how my life is going. My life isn't always light and happy. I do know though that my life isn't the worst. I could be homeless, I could be getting raped every day. I am blessed that God has given me what he has.
Life isn't a competition, and our problems are not a competition I never want to sound like I'm trying to win a competition on "who's life sucks", but I want to be real.
Stay classy and drink your coffee, Oregon.
w/love,
Kela
Sunday, November 23, 2014
*Waiting*
Honestly, I really try to be a patient person. Since starting college though, that has changed. The biggest area that I am no longer patient in is waiting for my husband.
You might say, "But wait! You are only 18! Finish college, then start thinking about finding a man."
I didn't realize that one of the downfalls of a Christian University would be that EVERYONE is in a relationship. I walked into college thinking that I would finally find a great Christian man, and that I would be married by Junior/Senior year. Now, that may seem "young" to you, but my heart desires a husband so bad that it is like a physical weight on my heart. Sure, I'm only a semester into my Freshman year, but HELLO! I'm obviously struggling with patience!
Oh, there are some great comebacks to my cry for a husband. Let me list some:
1. Wait for God's timing (usually said by a person IN a relationship)
2. You gotta marry Jesus first (I swear, another person tells me that and I'll punch 'em)
3.Pray for discernment and patience (HELLO what do you think I am doing?!)
The list could continue, but I'm pretty sure that you catch my drift.. I've started praying for my husband every night. Who knows? Maybe he is going through some tough crap, and he needs someone to be praying for him. Maybe he is tired of waiting, just like me. I want him to have the strength to wait for me while I am praying for the strength to wait for him. There are so many possibilities of WHY God hasn't let us meet yet, but at the same time God knows what my heart wants. I am struggling so hard with being patient; I feel like I am praying so hard to meet my husband, but there is something that I haven't quite done yet to have God reveal my man to me.
I'm working really hard on forgiveness and getting over my bitterness (explain later) because I feel like that is something I need to overcome before I get married, but.... I'm finding it so hard to trust God in this area. Which is absolutely ridiculous because he did bless me with the opportunity to go to college. My schooling is almost completely covered by scholarships. A particular scholarship that went against all odds of me ever receiving it, got me to college. I KNOW God has walked with me through life, but I just can't seem to relinquish this want to Him.
Something that adds to this "waiting" dilemma is watching God do His thang in your friends' relationships. Jealousy would be the wrong word to describe what I'm feeling. Maybe it is jealousy, and I just don't want to come to terms with it. Now, I don't want the guys that my friends like. We OBVIOUSLY (and it's obvious) have different "tastes" in men. I'm "jealous" of the fact that I can SEE God slowly knitting things together. I feel like I am at some party and God is the MVP and he is just greeting all my friends, but ignoring me. Like I am some wallflower that gets overlooked in the relationship department.
I know that God loves me, that is a fact. I'm pretty sure I would be dead if God didn't love me. I hate complaining, and I know that that is what I am doing, but I can't stop THINKING. I love my friends and I know for a FACT that God has put them in my life for a very important reason, but seeing them develop crushes and start relationships are things that are punching me in the heart (and not in a good way).
I could continue this post for forever, but I think I will give your eyes a rest. I wish I could leave you with a Bible quote, but I don't have a passage yet that deals with this melancholy state I am in.
So, goodnight world. I will catch you on the flip side,
w/love,
Kela
You might say, "But wait! You are only 18! Finish college, then start thinking about finding a man."
I didn't realize that one of the downfalls of a Christian University would be that EVERYONE is in a relationship. I walked into college thinking that I would finally find a great Christian man, and that I would be married by Junior/Senior year. Now, that may seem "young" to you, but my heart desires a husband so bad that it is like a physical weight on my heart. Sure, I'm only a semester into my Freshman year, but HELLO! I'm obviously struggling with patience!
Oh, there are some great comebacks to my cry for a husband. Let me list some:
1. Wait for God's timing (usually said by a person IN a relationship)
2. You gotta marry Jesus first (I swear, another person tells me that and I'll punch 'em)
3.Pray for discernment and patience (HELLO what do you think I am doing?!)
The list could continue, but I'm pretty sure that you catch my drift.. I've started praying for my husband every night. Who knows? Maybe he is going through some tough crap, and he needs someone to be praying for him. Maybe he is tired of waiting, just like me. I want him to have the strength to wait for me while I am praying for the strength to wait for him. There are so many possibilities of WHY God hasn't let us meet yet, but at the same time God knows what my heart wants. I am struggling so hard with being patient; I feel like I am praying so hard to meet my husband, but there is something that I haven't quite done yet to have God reveal my man to me.
I'm working really hard on forgiveness and getting over my bitterness (explain later) because I feel like that is something I need to overcome before I get married, but.... I'm finding it so hard to trust God in this area. Which is absolutely ridiculous because he did bless me with the opportunity to go to college. My schooling is almost completely covered by scholarships. A particular scholarship that went against all odds of me ever receiving it, got me to college. I KNOW God has walked with me through life, but I just can't seem to relinquish this want to Him.
Something that adds to this "waiting" dilemma is watching God do His thang in your friends' relationships. Jealousy would be the wrong word to describe what I'm feeling. Maybe it is jealousy, and I just don't want to come to terms with it. Now, I don't want the guys that my friends like. We OBVIOUSLY (and it's obvious) have different "tastes" in men. I'm "jealous" of the fact that I can SEE God slowly knitting things together. I feel like I am at some party and God is the MVP and he is just greeting all my friends, but ignoring me. Like I am some wallflower that gets overlooked in the relationship department.
I know that God loves me, that is a fact. I'm pretty sure I would be dead if God didn't love me. I hate complaining, and I know that that is what I am doing, but I can't stop THINKING. I love my friends and I know for a FACT that God has put them in my life for a very important reason, but seeing them develop crushes and start relationships are things that are punching me in the heart (and not in a good way).
I could continue this post for forever, but I think I will give your eyes a rest. I wish I could leave you with a Bible quote, but I don't have a passage yet that deals with this melancholy state I am in.
So, goodnight world. I will catch you on the flip side,
w/love,
Kela
Thursday, November 20, 2014
Coffee Is In My Veins
Now, I'm not talkin' about some "white girl" drink. I mean, pure black coffee. No sugar, no nothin'. THAT is what is in my veins. I could even be called an "addict", I think I'm okay with that..
I fully believe that coffee makes the world turn.
If it's ten o'clock and I haven't had at least a sip of coffee yet, there is a problem. There is nothing like the first drink of coffee for the day. I don't know about You, but I can feel it sliding through my body. My heart gives a little kick (totally healthy, I swear) and the world comes into a sharper focus.
Now, You might ask why coffee is so important to me. Well, coffee is how I am currently getting through college. No one warned me about my first 3 a.m. homework stint with a 8 a.m. class only a few hours away. Boy, was that a LONG day. Essentially, coffee makes me a happy woman. Don't be fooled though, I'm more complex than I'm hinting to, but we will get to that later.
Since this is the first post, I want you to get to know me better!
*I love coffee
*I'm passionate about music and cats
*Reading is something that I absolutely love, but don't have enough time to DO
*I firmly believe that people should volunteer in their communities to have their eyes opened to this world
*I love running and weights (when possible)
*Scotland and Ireland are number one on my bucket list of "travel to"
*Men with accents have a place in my heart
*I love CATS. Did I mention that already?
*I knit and crochet (Hello Scarf Season!)
*I'm majoring in Women's Ministry and minoring in Music
I fully believe that coffee makes the world turn.
If it's ten o'clock and I haven't had at least a sip of coffee yet, there is a problem. There is nothing like the first drink of coffee for the day. I don't know about You, but I can feel it sliding through my body. My heart gives a little kick (totally healthy, I swear) and the world comes into a sharper focus.
Now, You might ask why coffee is so important to me. Well, coffee is how I am currently getting through college. No one warned me about my first 3 a.m. homework stint with a 8 a.m. class only a few hours away. Boy, was that a LONG day. Essentially, coffee makes me a happy woman. Don't be fooled though, I'm more complex than I'm hinting to, but we will get to that later.
Since this is the first post, I want you to get to know me better!
*I love coffee
*I'm passionate about music and cats
*Reading is something that I absolutely love, but don't have enough time to DO
*I firmly believe that people should volunteer in their communities to have their eyes opened to this world
*I love running and weights (when possible)
*Scotland and Ireland are number one on my bucket list of "travel to"
*Men with accents have a place in my heart
*I love CATS. Did I mention that already?
*I knit and crochet (Hello Scarf Season!)
*I'm majoring in Women's Ministry and minoring in Music
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