*Waiting*

Honestly, I really try to be a patient person. Since starting college though, that has changed. The biggest area that I am no longer patient in is waiting for my husband. 

You might say, "But wait! You are only 18! Finish college, then start thinking about finding a man."

I didn't realize that one of the downfalls of a Christian University would be that EVERYONE is in a relationship. I walked into college thinking that I would finally find a great Christian man, and that I would be married by Junior/Senior year. Now, that may seem "young" to you, but my heart desires a husband so bad that it is like a physical weight on my heart. Sure, I'm only a semester into my Freshman year, but HELLO! I'm obviously struggling with patience! 
  Oh, there are some great comebacks to my cry for a husband. Let me list some:

1. Wait for God's timing (usually said by a person IN a relationship)
2. You gotta marry Jesus first (I swear, another person tells me that and I'll punch 'em)
3.Pray for discernment and patience (HELLO what do you think I am doing?!)

The list could continue, but I'm pretty sure that you catch my drift.. I've started praying for my husband every night. Who knows? Maybe he is going through some tough crap, and he needs someone to be praying for him. Maybe he is tired of waiting, just like me. I want him to have the strength to wait for me while I am praying for the strength to wait for him. There are so many possibilities of WHY God hasn't let us meet yet, but at the same time God knows what my heart wants. I am struggling so hard with being patient; I feel like I am praying so hard  to meet my husband, but there is something that I haven't quite done yet to have God reveal my man to me.
  I'm working really hard on forgiveness and getting over my bitterness (explain later) because I feel like that is something I need to overcome before I get married, but.... I'm finding it so hard to trust God in this area. Which is absolutely ridiculous because he did bless me with the opportunity to go to college. My schooling is almost completely covered by scholarships. A particular scholarship that went against all odds of me ever receiving it, got me to college. I KNOW God has walked with me through life, but I just can't seem to relinquish this want to Him.
  
  Something that adds to this "waiting" dilemma is watching God do His thang in your friends' relationships. Jealousy would be the wrong word to describe what I'm feeling.  Maybe it is jealousy, and I just don't want to come to terms with it. Now, I don't want the guys that my friends like. We OBVIOUSLY (and it's obvious) have different "tastes" in men. I'm "jealous" of the fact that I can SEE God slowly knitting things together. I feel like I am at some party and God is the MVP and he is just greeting all my friends, but ignoring me. Like I am some wallflower that gets overlooked in the relationship department.
  I know that God loves me, that is a fact. I'm pretty sure I would be dead if God didn't love me. I hate complaining, and I know that that is what I am doing, but I can't stop THINKING. I love my friends and I know for a FACT that God has put them in my life for a very important reason, but seeing them develop crushes and start relationships are things that are punching me in the heart (and not in a good way). 
  I could continue this post for forever, but I think I will give your eyes a rest. I wish I could leave you with a  Bible quote, but I don't have a passage yet that deals with this melancholy state I am in. 

So, goodnight world. I will catch you on the flip side,

w/love,
Kela