It has been about 2 1/2 weeks since I have been home. My first year at Corban was quite an experience. I love school, I really do, but is that it? Will I get my degree in Women's Ministry, help sex-trafficked women, and then I'm done? Is there anything else? Call it "post-final" blues, but I have no urge to go back to school. I've spent 13 years of my life in school and what has been the outcome? I'm a statistic for the American government. "Top of the class, great grades, record-breaker", tell me something I don't know. That isn't me being conceited, that is me.. being done with... something. I want something more.
Getting back to Corban: I have realized that I wasted a lot of time pretending to be someone who just goes with the flow. Being a new Christian and then going to a Christian Uni., I was out of my element. I was afraid of being "judged" by the people I was trying to call my friends. At the end of the second semester I realized that I just didn't give a damn and they could judge me if they wanted to. Amazingly enough, I found two incredible girls who have become my best friends and they were able to ground me and push me through the end of the semester. Anyways, comparing the "friendships" that I made during the school year, I am realizing that I pretended a lot. I thought I had to be someone who I wasn't. At a Christian Uni. then urge to be a "better" Christian is overwhelming. I wish I didn't have to put [better] in quotation marks. [Better] in some senses is just a pissing match between people who think Christianity is a competition and a basis on which to judge people on. Trust me, I was confused too. During my Freshman year, I was able to have quite a few 'heart to heart' conversations with my mom; a lot of which revolved around friend advice. I strive to be a better Christian, following God's word, serving, and spending time in the Bible, but I don't want to be around people who make me feel like I need to [pretend] with how much I know/understand God. No one needs that pressure, right? College is a time for growing and I wish I could say that I knew a lot of people who 'grew' from the time they got to Corban and the time they packed their bags to go home.
This post may hold a bit of bitterness, and truthfully, it does. I spent a lot of time holding my tongue and not standing up for what I thought was right. I didn't call people out on their shit. I wish I had.
Wednesday, May 20, 2015
Monday, May 4, 2015
How fast can you run?
You may think I'm paranoid, but I always try to be prepared for bad situations. Some people think that I am on this "healthy lifestyle" kick (which could factor into it), but that is not the case. I workout a lot, actually more like religiously. After every workout, I try to max myself out. My thinking is this:
"What will happen if you have been pushed to your limits and then something bad happens?"
I run almost everyday and after every run, I do sprints. I have been doing this for about eight months now. I have noticed that it actually improved my running and endurance. It doesn't matter if I run two miles or four; I always do sprints. I want to make sure that I can outrun someone and then give it a little more. Paranoid? I think realistic. I know how ugly this world is, I'm not in some naive little bubble, I want to be prepared to either fight or take flight.
Tonight I decided to go for a run at 10:40, which is not the latest run I have ever taken, because I wanted to blow of some of the energy that was within me. I have taken this route quite a lot; straight shot and it is just a mile to the end of the road. I was not going to take my dog, but I had this feeling that I should; so I did. Getting into my run, I hit the top of the hill going over the highway and I realize how quiet it is. I live in Eugene, it is never that quiet; it was never that quiet on my previous runs either. I shook off the weird vibes I was getting because I really wanted to run and tire myself out. Once I hit the end of the road I decided to take a right and keep going. I was thinking about just clocking in four miles for good measure. I'm not even half-way down the next mile stretch of road, and some guy jumps out in-front of me. He was on a bike and popped out of the bushes; he came from freakin' no where. He rode by me really slowly and smiled. After having a mini-heart-attack, I continued on my way for about 15 seconds more and then stopped. I got the worst feeling ever. I was not supposed to continue that run; that is all I can tell you. I don't really know how to explain the feeling that overcame me. A lot of people can probably say that it was my adrenaline peaking from that guy jumping out in-front of me, but I think that it is more than that. I turned around and hauled ass. I have never run that fast before, ever. I went faster than I have ever gone doing sprints before. I easily ran half a mile in four minutes. I was flying.
My dog couldn't keep up, so I had to slow down. I should have kept going. I heard this whistle from a street I passed and I saw another guy on a bike. He turned and went the opposite direction as me, but I was starting to get really concerned. I had my phone on me and I went to call my mom, but she didn't pick up. Typical, right? I keep jogging and at this point I am freakin' out on the inside. As I am jogging, I see this reflection off of something metallic. I was coming up on some parked cars, so I thought I was just seeing something. Nope, I was seeing another guy on a bike. Taking his sweet-ass time riding towards me. All the guys that I saw tonight were wearing dark colors on dark bikes. People only wear dark colors at night if they don't want to be seen.
I had the worst feeling in my stomach. I started sweating and I know it wasn't because I had been running. I was freakin' nervous. After the guy passed me, I kicked it into high gear and bolted it home. I was basically dragging my dog, but I didn't care. If need be, I would have dropped her leash to go even faster. I don't know why she didn't bark at those guys, she usually does bark at people.
So, tonight I have realized that I can absolutely haul ass.
Oh and just for the record, I clocked my first mile in at 8:40. Finally getting my time down. I took me way less than that to get back home...
"What will happen if you have been pushed to your limits and then something bad happens?"
I run almost everyday and after every run, I do sprints. I have been doing this for about eight months now. I have noticed that it actually improved my running and endurance. It doesn't matter if I run two miles or four; I always do sprints. I want to make sure that I can outrun someone and then give it a little more. Paranoid? I think realistic. I know how ugly this world is, I'm not in some naive little bubble, I want to be prepared to either fight or take flight.
Tonight I decided to go for a run at 10:40, which is not the latest run I have ever taken, because I wanted to blow of some of the energy that was within me. I have taken this route quite a lot; straight shot and it is just a mile to the end of the road. I was not going to take my dog, but I had this feeling that I should; so I did. Getting into my run, I hit the top of the hill going over the highway and I realize how quiet it is. I live in Eugene, it is never that quiet; it was never that quiet on my previous runs either. I shook off the weird vibes I was getting because I really wanted to run and tire myself out. Once I hit the end of the road I decided to take a right and keep going. I was thinking about just clocking in four miles for good measure. I'm not even half-way down the next mile stretch of road, and some guy jumps out in-front of me. He was on a bike and popped out of the bushes; he came from freakin' no where. He rode by me really slowly and smiled. After having a mini-heart-attack, I continued on my way for about 15 seconds more and then stopped. I got the worst feeling ever. I was not supposed to continue that run; that is all I can tell you. I don't really know how to explain the feeling that overcame me. A lot of people can probably say that it was my adrenaline peaking from that guy jumping out in-front of me, but I think that it is more than that. I turned around and hauled ass. I have never run that fast before, ever. I went faster than I have ever gone doing sprints before. I easily ran half a mile in four minutes. I was flying.
My dog couldn't keep up, so I had to slow down. I should have kept going. I heard this whistle from a street I passed and I saw another guy on a bike. He turned and went the opposite direction as me, but I was starting to get really concerned. I had my phone on me and I went to call my mom, but she didn't pick up. Typical, right? I keep jogging and at this point I am freakin' out on the inside. As I am jogging, I see this reflection off of something metallic. I was coming up on some parked cars, so I thought I was just seeing something. Nope, I was seeing another guy on a bike. Taking his sweet-ass time riding towards me. All the guys that I saw tonight were wearing dark colors on dark bikes. People only wear dark colors at night if they don't want to be seen.
I had the worst feeling in my stomach. I started sweating and I know it wasn't because I had been running. I was freakin' nervous. After the guy passed me, I kicked it into high gear and bolted it home. I was basically dragging my dog, but I didn't care. If need be, I would have dropped her leash to go even faster. I don't know why she didn't bark at those guys, she usually does bark at people.
So, tonight I have realized that I can absolutely haul ass.
Oh and just for the record, I clocked my first mile in at 8:40. Finally getting my time down. I took me way less than that to get back home...
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