Coming to an end

It has been about 2 1/2 weeks since I have been home. My first year at Corban was quite an experience. I love school, I really do, but is that it? Will I get my degree in Women's Ministry, help sex-trafficked women, and then I'm done? Is there anything else? Call it "post-final" blues, but I have no urge to go back to school. I've spent 13 years of my life in school and what has been the outcome? I'm a statistic for the American government. "Top of the class, great grades, record-breaker", tell me something I don't know. That isn't me being conceited, that is me.. being done with... something. I want something more.

Getting back to Corban: I have realized that I wasted a lot of time pretending to be someone who just goes with the flow. Being a new Christian and then going to a Christian Uni., I was out of my element. I was afraid of being "judged" by the people I was trying to call my friends. At the end of the second semester I realized that I just didn't give a damn and they could judge me if they wanted to. Amazingly enough, I found two incredible girls who have become my best friends and they were able to ground me and push me through the end of the semester. Anyways, comparing the "friendships" that I made during the school year, I am realizing that I pretended a lot. I thought I had to be someone who I wasn't. At a Christian Uni. then urge to be a "better" Christian is overwhelming. I wish I didn't have to put [better] in quotation marks. [Better] in some senses is just a pissing match between people who think Christianity is a competition and a basis on which to judge people on. Trust me, I was confused too. During my Freshman year, I was able to have quite a few 'heart to heart' conversations with my mom; a lot of which revolved around friend advice. I strive to be a better Christian, following God's word, serving, and spending time in the Bible, but I don't want to be around people who make me feel like I need to [pretend] with how much I know/understand God. No one needs that pressure, right? College is a time for growing and I wish I could say that I knew a lot of people who 'grew' from the time they got to Corban and the time they packed their bags to go home.

This post may hold a bit of bitterness, and truthfully, it does. I spent a lot of time holding my tongue and not standing up for what I thought was right. I didn't call people out on their shit. I wish I had.