Decisions

----------------------------------------------RANT--------------------------------------------------

School is almost out and I have the summer before me! Yet, I don't; not really. I have the opportunity to be an Assistant Manager at Domino's Pizza and I don't know if I want that. My mom has always told me that I have the opportunity to work my whole life, and that I shouldn't be so uptight about working and getting hours. During Winter break I was working 50+ hours a week; that was rough. I made some serious bank, but it was worth it and I knew I would be getting a break from work once I got back to school. Over the weekends when I come home from school, I work 15 hours over three days. At this point in time, I am just a CSR for Domino's and I like how much money I am making right now.

I'm just confused because I just got off of the phone with my mom and she said I would be working only 15 hours a week if I stayed a CSR. I guess I just don't understand how I will be cut down so drastically once school is out. Someone is really going to stretch 15 hrs. over 7 days? I can't remember the last time I worked that little. 

Sorry, I'm kinda all over the place right now with my writing, but I am just irritated and unsure about what I want to do right now. I have three months off for summer vacation, but I have a lot of set things that I need to do during the summer. Also, my Aunt wants me to visit her down in Cali for a week and that will take even more of my summer up! I mean, I love her and all, but I need to decide. The point that I was trying to get across to my mom was that I have a lot of mandatory things I need to attended during the summer (scholarship meetings) and I don't know how being a A.M. will work out. 

Her response? "That is the decision you need to make when you move up into a manager position."

I love her, but right now she isn't really helping me decide. She might be a little biased because she is the Area Manager for the surrounding Domino's in the Eugene area, but still. I want to be an A.M., but I'm afraid that I will fail at the job. I don't have THAT many friends, so making sure that I have "enough time off" isn't an issue. I love my job too, and I love making pizzas, and I love dealing with customers. 

I have put my ass through the ringer this year with school. I never thought I would be this challenged in college, boy was I wrong. I'm just not going to get a break though. Is that wrong of me to want a break between college and work? This whole second semester I have worked every single weekend. I had no break between school and work, and that was extremely difficult. I'm blessed to have a job and to be able to go to school, and to do both. I am not complaining about either one of those. I guess I am just complaining about my mom. She didn't really say what I wanted to hear. I could tell that she was really disappointed that I wasn't for sure about the AM. position. She has all this faith in me, and I don't see it.

She sent me this text last night saying what a great older sister I was and how blessed she is to have me as a daughter. I honestly don't see it though. I couldn't get my sister to stop doing drugs. I couldn't keep my dad from going crazy and trying to kill us. Lately I just feel like this giant "let down" type of girl. I'm on the verge of getting B's in a lot of my classes, and I am not that kind of girl to just get B's. I put all the pressure on myself to be the best while no one else is expecting me to do good. Now, I am not saying B's are bad, but my standards for my self are really high. I still feel like I am trying to run away sometimes. In high school, the only thing that made it so I got good grades was the motivation to get out of my house and away from my family. I couldn't be there anymore. What has my motivation now? My dad doesn't live with us anymore (thank God), but my sister still makes life really difficult. My mom works 50+ hours a week; so, the only time I get to see her is when I am working, and even that is a gamble. When I go home, I go home to an empty house. I don't want to be a work-a-holic like my mom. I know she works a lot to provide, but I also know that she works a lot to escape the problems that are going on at home. Eh, she would probably tell me I'm wrong, but I think deep down I am right.

I don't want this blog to be "journal-esq", but I really needed to get this off my chest. I have a Final tomorrow, and I am not ready for that. I just want to finalize one more thing:

I am NOT taking for-granted the opportunities that have presented themselves. I love my mom, work, and school. Also, Domino's Pizza is the bomb! I just don't know what to do right now. 

-Peace out, Oregon.

P.S. I don't know if anyone has told you yet, but being an adult sucks.