Okay?

I still don't know where I want to go with this blog, I don't want it turn into my diary, but I also don't want to have to censor my thoughts. I think words should reflect how we feel and what we really think about things. I don't have to be crude in my writings, that is not what I am going for at all, but I want a real life aspect to my blog. I don't have good advice, so I don't think I could have an advice column. The good Lord knows that my boy advice is horrible. I am the worst when it comes to guys. Anyways, bear with me

Second semester, so far, has been a trip. I am currently taking 19 credits, but in reality it is more like 21. The Music Department has decided to cut some three credit classes down to one because they know we can't fit more than 19 credits into our schedule without paying a fee. So, classes have been interesting. I have this one person who always asks how many credits I am taking, he asks me every time I see him, and he always tells me that "19 credits is super easy, it's not too hard"; and that just pisses me off. First, he failed a class last semester and he is no place to tell me that "it's easy". Well if it was so easy, why did YOU fail a class last semester? Ahh, the things I say in my head and don't say out loud, yet....

Unfortunately, my family life hasn't quite yet been glued back together. I know that in my household, I should never expect things to turn out okay. "Okay" isn't the way the Hebert family rolls, sadly. If I could time travel back to my ten year old self, I would sit her down and tell her that she's gonna make it.  Life isn't awesome, I'm not in that place and I might never be. The thing is, I'm okay with that. I know life isn't easy. We definitely don't always get what we want, but through all the pain and suffering there is hope.

For almost six years I was angry with God. I was close to hating Him. In church, they preach "God is with you", "God will protect you", and so on and so on. That is what I got out of church when I was younger, so I had expectations. I didn't know the full ramification of what God's love was or His take on time.  I was mad at God because I thought He let my family fall apart. I thought He just let my father abuse his family, and that God turned His back on me because my father turned his back on God. I was wrong, but those were some of the loneliest years I have experienced because I didn't have God in my life. Knowing what I know now, I am so grateful for everything I have been through. I have cried more tears in my life than I thought I ever would, I have had my heart broken by the man who is supposed to be your first love, but that is okay. God has protected me in so many ways. Sometimes when I am thinking about the past, it dawns on me that IT HAD TO go that way. My home life could have gone a lot worse, but God was watching over his daughter. I'm not saying that in a boastful way. So many people have horrible lives, but I'm done focusing on the bad that lives in my life. Sure, sometimes we need a reality check and we sometimes delve into the past, but the past isn't going to haunt me anymore.

Long story short, God is hope. You may think I am crazy and quite honestly, I think you are right. Call me crazy, but when this world goes up in flames, I want to be HOME with God, not in a place where nightmares are real. It is hard to have faith. I struggle with my faith all the time. I think I am the worst Christian ever, but that is okay. I still have my doubts sometimes, I still worry. I am human. Life isn't peaceful, but that is okay. I'm okay.

A Change in Thinking

 I have had a long time to think about myself the past couple of days and I realize that I believe too much of what the media tells me. I'm done believing in what the media says.

I. AM. BEAUTIFUL.

I have spent so much of my life hating what God created because society has told me that I am ugly. I'm D.O.N.E. with thinking I'm ugly. I will no longer walk with my head down, I will no longer wear a jacket over my shirts to hide my body, I will no longer be afraid..

I'm not saying that my perception of my body is on point or that I don't have bad days. Some days I change my outfit at least four times because I think I am fat, but then I mentally slap myself and put on my original outfit. 

Genesis 1:27 states:

"So God created man in His own image,

in the image of God He created them;

male and female He created them."

These thoughts don't just pop up out of nowhere though. The last five years have been devastatingly hard on my family. Surprise, I found comfort in food. Senior year of high school I found myself at a very high number on the scale. Numbers are not everything, but that was my turning point for me. Now, a year later, I have lost 60 pounds, gone down four pant sizes, and have downgraded two shirt sizes. It was not an easy road. I cried a lot, binge ate, and had shameful thoughts about myself. At some point though, something must have changed. I began to LOVE running and weight training. In fact, I try to run at least 5 times a week. Not because I want to be skinny, but because it helps keep me in shape; both mentally and physically. Even now, I don't want to be "skinny". I don't want to drop to a single digit pant size, it just doesn't seem like me. But I do want to be able to kick ass.  My journey hasn't stopped, but it has become easier with the fact that I am no longer fighting God's word.  

Another thing, I am not saying that "plus-size" women are not beautiful; because they are. I'm tired of hearing society tell women they are not beautiful just because they are a certain size. I hope that all women will someday give the middle finger to society and be whatever size they want to be.

Here is my middle finger to society:

I'm not counting calories

I'm not going to be mad when I don't go on the run I told myself I would go on

I'm not going to be ashamed of my curves

I'm going to love the body God gave me (flaws and blemishes included)

I'm going to wear stripes when I damn well please, even if it "doesn't fit my body type"

Things are not always going to be great. When those days come though, I am going to look back on how far I have come and I am going to lean on God for my strength. This world does a damn good job at tearing us down, but when I give my fears to God, my days get a little better.

Drink your coffee Oregon and treat yo' self,

w/love,

Kela

The Merry-Go-Round

Lately I have been referring to life as a "merry-go-round". If you think about it, they hold similarities; the ups and downs, the slowness/speed, and the times where you want the ride to end or to never stop. I haven't posted anything since Finals week, and for that I am sorry. It is not that my life has been boring, or I didn't want to talk to you, but I've been busy. I worked every day over Christmas break and I liked it, but I didn't at the same time. I know what work is like, I worked at Subway and I was housekeeping for a motel before I started at Domino's, but it felt like I didn't get a break from school.

I'm on the merry-go-round right now and I feel like it is going a bit too fast, I'm on an uncomfortable horse, and I don't have a belt strapped around me. Oh, and the merry-go-round sometimes jerks to a stop then continues full speed ahead. It is not like I am constantly on the down part of the ride, there have been some really great "ups" so far:

1. I have a job
2. I moved down pant sizes
3. I bought some new books

Sometimes though, it is easier to focus on the "downs". I don't want to dwell on the "down" side of life though...

I only have one New Years resolution: becoming closer to God. I need to spend more time with Him and I want this to be a new beginning in the relationship I have with Him.

Peace out, Oregon,

w/<3
Kela


P.S. Don't focus on the "down" side of the merry-go-round