Okay?

I still don't know where I want to go with this blog, I don't want it turn into my diary, but I also don't want to have to censor my thoughts. I think words should reflect how we feel and what we really think about things. I don't have to be crude in my writings, that is not what I am going for at all, but I want a real life aspect to my blog. I don't have good advice, so I don't think I could have an advice column. The good Lord knows that my boy advice is horrible. I am the worst when it comes to guys. Anyways, bear with me

Second semester, so far, has been a trip. I am currently taking 19 credits, but in reality it is more like 21. The Music Department has decided to cut some three credit classes down to one because they know we can't fit more than 19 credits into our schedule without paying a fee. So, classes have been interesting. I have this one person who always asks how many credits I am taking, he asks me every time I see him, and he always tells me that "19 credits is super easy, it's not too hard"; and that just pisses me off. First, he failed a class last semester and he is no place to tell me that "it's easy". Well if it was so easy, why did YOU fail a class last semester? Ahh, the things I say in my head and don't say out loud, yet....

Unfortunately, my family life hasn't quite yet been glued back together. I know that in my household, I should never expect things to turn out okay. "Okay" isn't the way the Hebert family rolls, sadly. If I could time travel back to my ten year old self, I would sit her down and tell her that she's gonna make it.  Life isn't awesome, I'm not in that place and I might never be. The thing is, I'm okay with that. I know life isn't easy. We definitely don't always get what we want, but through all the pain and suffering there is hope.

For almost six years I was angry with God. I was close to hating Him. In church, they preach "God is with you", "God will protect you", and so on and so on. That is what I got out of church when I was younger, so I had expectations. I didn't know the full ramification of what God's love was or His take on time.  I was mad at God because I thought He let my family fall apart. I thought He just let my father abuse his family, and that God turned His back on me because my father turned his back on God. I was wrong, but those were some of the loneliest years I have experienced because I didn't have God in my life. Knowing what I know now, I am so grateful for everything I have been through. I have cried more tears in my life than I thought I ever would, I have had my heart broken by the man who is supposed to be your first love, but that is okay. God has protected me in so many ways. Sometimes when I am thinking about the past, it dawns on me that IT HAD TO go that way. My home life could have gone a lot worse, but God was watching over his daughter. I'm not saying that in a boastful way. So many people have horrible lives, but I'm done focusing on the bad that lives in my life. Sure, sometimes we need a reality check and we sometimes delve into the past, but the past isn't going to haunt me anymore.

Long story short, God is hope. You may think I am crazy and quite honestly, I think you are right. Call me crazy, but when this world goes up in flames, I want to be HOME with God, not in a place where nightmares are real. It is hard to have faith. I struggle with my faith all the time. I think I am the worst Christian ever, but that is okay. I still have my doubts sometimes, I still worry. I am human. Life isn't peaceful, but that is okay. I'm okay.