Can we agree that life is... What's the word.... Interesting? The past few weeks have been a struggle for me. I have had either really low downs, or super high ups. I have found myself falling back into my depression and then being depressed about the fact that I am depressed. A really confusing cycle to be stuck in. I know what is depressing me, it is not like I am oblivious.
My sister has been gone for a bit over a month now. The longest she has ever ran away. Deep down, I don't think she is ever going to come back home. Don't mistake that sentence for me giving up on her. I will never give up on my sister. As I am continuing my life, I realize that there is nothing I wouldn't do for her. I have already done a lot of things for her that a lot of people don't know about, but I would still do anything for her. My mom and I were having a conversation one night and somehow it turned down the path of "if we could change the past". They way that God has shaped my families' path is interesting. If we would have stayed in Arizona, I wouldn't be at Corban and I would never have developed my musical abilities, I wouldn't know the people I know now. Now, maybe I would have gone somewhere with music, but only God knows that. If we did stay in Arizona, maybe my sister wouldn't be addicted to Meth. Maybe she would have never been raped. Maybe my father would never have become abusive. Maybe my sister would be safe. Maybe my sister would be home. There are so many unknown things. But as the days go on and my heart keeps hurting for my sister, I do know one thing: I would sacrifice everything for my sister. I would give up everything for her. I want her home. I want her to be with my mom. I want her to have a future. I want her to know God. I want her to be safe. I want all of her fears to go away. I would give up my life for my sister, if I just knew that she would be okay. If she would be clean.
God gave me the ability to be a musician. I would willingly give everything away. Not as "God, I don't love the gift you gave me", but as "God, I love my sister". Does that make sense? Maybe not. I can't stop thinking about her though. Maybe you have a family member who is struggling with addiction. You know my pain. My defeat. My heartache. My nightmares of finding my sister dead or watching her overdose.
Drugs ruin. They ruin everything. They ruin you, your family, your coworkers. I can tell when someone is on drugs. When they are using. My brother does Heroin, my sister does Meth, my dad is an alcoholic and a pill popper. It breaks my heart to see people using.
In one of Ed Sheeran's songs, he talks about how he can't do anything with his life if he has a crack pipe in his hand...
Thursday, February 19, 2015
Thursday, February 12, 2015
Ehm.. Valentine's Day?
As I am packing my bags, getting ready to go home, I can't stop thinking about it... Valentine's Day. I have come to love/hate this National Holiday. Well actually, just hate. But! This year is going to be different! I am not going to think about my single status, I am just going to make it a special day for me. I work quite a long shift on V-Day, but after that, I think I have the perfect after-work night plan.
Here it is:
1. Take a bubble bath (with candles)
2. Eat a whole pizza (can't decide if I'm going to go small, or medium)
3. Put on "P.S. I love you"
4. Start reading "Outlander"
5. Cuddle with my dog
6. Probably find some chocolate
Quite frankly, I'm pretty excited. There is something embarrassing I should probably share... I really want to get asked out for Valentine's Day. There is a slim to -100 percent chance that it will happen, but deep down inside, I really want to be asked out. I even packed a dress for this weekend. Ugh. In reality though, would I really say yes to the guy who asked me out? For some reason I have this intense/insane, fear/no-confidence thing with guys. I can talk to them, then I can't talk to them.
I've only had one boyfriend (ended quite badly, I might add) and the only thing I miss is holding hands. Not with him! Just in general. With all of this "love" talk, it is just making me want a boyfriend even more. I don't want a boyfriend to just have a boyfriend, I want that boyfriend to be my husband. Call me crazy.
Well I am going to stop talking about my singleness now. I hope you have a great Valentine's Day and a great weekend.
w/love,
Kela
Here it is:
1. Take a bubble bath (with candles)
2. Eat a whole pizza (can't decide if I'm going to go small, or medium)
3. Put on "P.S. I love you"
4. Start reading "Outlander"
5. Cuddle with my dog
6. Probably find some chocolate
Quite frankly, I'm pretty excited. There is something embarrassing I should probably share... I really want to get asked out for Valentine's Day. There is a slim to -100 percent chance that it will happen, but deep down inside, I really want to be asked out. I even packed a dress for this weekend. Ugh. In reality though, would I really say yes to the guy who asked me out? For some reason I have this intense/insane, fear/no-confidence thing with guys. I can talk to them, then I can't talk to them.
I've only had one boyfriend (ended quite badly, I might add) and the only thing I miss is holding hands. Not with him! Just in general. With all of this "love" talk, it is just making me want a boyfriend even more. I don't want a boyfriend to just have a boyfriend, I want that boyfriend to be my husband. Call me crazy.
Well I am going to stop talking about my singleness now. I hope you have a great Valentine's Day and a great weekend.
w/love,
Kela
Tuesday, February 3, 2015
Giving UP
Why do we go to college? So someone can can hand us a piece of paper worth a bajillion dollars? How lame. We jump through so many loops to be "certified". I know why so many people drop out of college. High school was hard enough, and now I need to go BACK to school for four years? Don't worry, I'm not dropping out of college (doesn't mean I haven't thought about it).
I have experienced credit overload, and I have ended up dropping one of my classes. I wasn't sleeping and I never got to see my friends (which isn't THAT important). I was falling behind in all my classes and I was receiving "F's" is more than one class. I have gotten most of my grades up, but it has been a struggle.
Today while doing my incredibly fun math homework, I wanted to give up. I came across this one problem and I couldn't finish it! I got half of the problem, but then I couldn't figure out the other half. Instead of giving up, like I usually do when it comes to math, I took a deep breath and I looked at the problem again. After a minute of throwing it around in my head, I finished the problem! Thank the LORD for having the answers in the back of the book!! Anyways, once I finished my math I realized how easy it is for us to give up, me especially. I feel guilty when I don't finish something, but sometimes I get so frustrated that I can't see the process through. My math problem was like an eureka moment for me. I can't give up any more.
Let me clarify though, I don't give up on everything. The only things that I give up on are homework. Which is bad because I am paying for my tuition and I kinda need this education for my future, but... I'm not a quitter. Not for work, not for family, not for working out; just homework.
Speaking of working out.. I ran my first 4.5 mi. stint the other night! I'm still sore, and I feel absolutely wonderful. I collapsed in my yard once I finished my run and I had probably the stupidest smile on my face. I am still smiling! When I first started running, I was struggling for my mile. Then I was struggling for my mile and a half. I posted a picture on Instagram (typical {only time ever}) and I wrote about it, but I realized I got the mileage wrong. I said the most I have ever ran was 3 miles, but in reality it was 2.5 miles. I mean, I added on two whole miles to my run and I feel great. I've been so afraid of failure and inadequacy (pertaining to running) that I don't push myself. Deep down I knew that I could go further than 2 miles because I was never satisfied with how far I've been running. There was this hunger inside me to go further, but I just quit when I got to a certain point. No more. Now that I know what I can do, I will never be satisfied with running less.
Oregon, don't give up and put those miles in. Where you start doesn't matter, it is where you end up.
w/love,
Kela
I have experienced credit overload, and I have ended up dropping one of my classes. I wasn't sleeping and I never got to see my friends (which isn't THAT important). I was falling behind in all my classes and I was receiving "F's" is more than one class. I have gotten most of my grades up, but it has been a struggle.
Today while doing my incredibly fun math homework, I wanted to give up. I came across this one problem and I couldn't finish it! I got half of the problem, but then I couldn't figure out the other half. Instead of giving up, like I usually do when it comes to math, I took a deep breath and I looked at the problem again. After a minute of throwing it around in my head, I finished the problem! Thank the LORD for having the answers in the back of the book!! Anyways, once I finished my math I realized how easy it is for us to give up, me especially. I feel guilty when I don't finish something, but sometimes I get so frustrated that I can't see the process through. My math problem was like an eureka moment for me. I can't give up any more.
Let me clarify though, I don't give up on everything. The only things that I give up on are homework. Which is bad because I am paying for my tuition and I kinda need this education for my future, but... I'm not a quitter. Not for work, not for family, not for working out; just homework.
Speaking of working out.. I ran my first 4.5 mi. stint the other night! I'm still sore, and I feel absolutely wonderful. I collapsed in my yard once I finished my run and I had probably the stupidest smile on my face. I am still smiling! When I first started running, I was struggling for my mile. Then I was struggling for my mile and a half. I posted a picture on Instagram (typical {only time ever}) and I wrote about it, but I realized I got the mileage wrong. I said the most I have ever ran was 3 miles, but in reality it was 2.5 miles. I mean, I added on two whole miles to my run and I feel great. I've been so afraid of failure and inadequacy (pertaining to running) that I don't push myself. Deep down I knew that I could go further than 2 miles because I was never satisfied with how far I've been running. There was this hunger inside me to go further, but I just quit when I got to a certain point. No more. Now that I know what I can do, I will never be satisfied with running less.
Oregon, don't give up and put those miles in. Where you start doesn't matter, it is where you end up.
w/love,
Kela
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