Agree to Disagree

Can we agree that life is... What's the word.... Interesting? The past few weeks have been a struggle for me. I have had either really low downs, or super high ups. I have found myself falling back into my depression and then being depressed about the fact that I am depressed.  A really confusing cycle to be stuck in. I know what is depressing me, it is not like I am oblivious.

My sister has been gone for a bit over a month now. The longest she has ever ran away. Deep down, I don't think she is ever going to come back home. Don't mistake that sentence for me giving up on her. I will never give up on my sister. As I am continuing my life, I realize that there is nothing I wouldn't do for her. I have already done a lot of things for her that a lot of people don't know about, but I would still do anything for her. My mom and I were having a conversation one night and somehow it turned down the path of "if we could change the past". They way that God has shaped my families' path is interesting. If we would have stayed in Arizona, I wouldn't be at Corban and I would never have developed my musical abilities, I wouldn't know the people I know now. Now, maybe I would have gone somewhere with music, but only God knows that. If we did stay in Arizona, maybe my sister wouldn't be addicted to Meth. Maybe she would have never been raped. Maybe my father would never have become abusive. Maybe my sister would be safe. Maybe my sister would be home. There are so many unknown things. But as the days go on and my heart keeps hurting for my sister, I do know one thing: I would sacrifice everything for my sister. I would give up everything for her. I want her home. I want her to be with my mom. I want her to have a future. I want her to know God. I want her to be safe. I want all of her fears to go away. I would give up my life for my sister, if I just knew that she would be okay. If she would be clean.

God gave me the ability to be a musician. I would willingly give everything away. Not as "God, I don't love the gift you gave me", but as "God, I love my sister". Does that make sense? Maybe not.  I can't stop thinking about her though. Maybe you have a family member who is struggling with addiction. You know my pain. My defeat. My heartache. My nightmares of finding my sister dead or watching her overdose.

Drugs ruin. They ruin everything. They ruin you, your family, your coworkers. I can tell when someone is on drugs. When they are using. My brother does Heroin, my sister does Meth, my dad is an alcoholic and a pill popper. It breaks my heart to see people using.

In one of Ed Sheeran's songs, he talks about how he can't do anything with his life if he has a crack pipe in his hand...