Coming to an end

It has been about 2 1/2 weeks since I have been home. My first year at Corban was quite an experience. I love school, I really do, but is that it? Will I get my degree in Women's Ministry, help sex-trafficked women, and then I'm done? Is there anything else? Call it "post-final" blues, but I have no urge to go back to school. I've spent 13 years of my life in school and what has been the outcome? I'm a statistic for the American government. "Top of the class, great grades, record-breaker", tell me something I don't know. That isn't me being conceited, that is me.. being done with... something. I want something more.

Getting back to Corban: I have realized that I wasted a lot of time pretending to be someone who just goes with the flow. Being a new Christian and then going to a Christian Uni., I was out of my element. I was afraid of being "judged" by the people I was trying to call my friends. At the end of the second semester I realized that I just didn't give a damn and they could judge me if they wanted to. Amazingly enough, I found two incredible girls who have become my best friends and they were able to ground me and push me through the end of the semester. Anyways, comparing the "friendships" that I made during the school year, I am realizing that I pretended a lot. I thought I had to be someone who I wasn't. At a Christian Uni. then urge to be a "better" Christian is overwhelming. I wish I didn't have to put [better] in quotation marks. [Better] in some senses is just a pissing match between people who think Christianity is a competition and a basis on which to judge people on. Trust me, I was confused too. During my Freshman year, I was able to have quite a few 'heart to heart' conversations with my mom; a lot of which revolved around friend advice. I strive to be a better Christian, following God's word, serving, and spending time in the Bible, but I don't want to be around people who make me feel like I need to [pretend] with how much I know/understand God. No one needs that pressure, right? College is a time for growing and I wish I could say that I knew a lot of people who 'grew' from the time they got to Corban and the time they packed their bags to go home.

This post may hold a bit of bitterness, and truthfully, it does. I spent a lot of time holding my tongue and not standing up for what I thought was right. I didn't call people out on their shit. I wish I had.

How fast can you run?

You may think I'm paranoid, but I always try to be prepared for bad situations. Some people think that I am on this "healthy lifestyle" kick (which could factor into it), but that is not the case. I workout a lot, actually more like religiously. After every workout, I try to max myself out. My thinking is this:

"What will happen if you have been pushed to your limits and then something bad happens?"

I run almost everyday and after every run, I do sprints. I have been doing this for about eight months now. I have noticed that it actually improved my running and endurance. It doesn't matter if I run two miles or four; I always do sprints. I want to make sure that I can outrun someone and then give it a little more. Paranoid? I think realistic. I know how ugly this world is, I'm not in some naive little bubble, I want to be prepared to either fight or take flight.

Tonight I decided to go for a run at 10:40, which is not the latest run I have ever taken, because I wanted to blow of some of the energy that was within me. I have taken this route quite a lot; straight shot and it is just a mile to the end of the road. I was not going to take my dog, but I had this feeling that I should; so I did. Getting into my run, I hit the top of the hill going over the highway and I realize how quiet it is. I live in Eugene, it is never that quiet; it was never that quiet on my previous runs either. I shook off the weird vibes I was getting because I really wanted to run and tire myself out. Once I hit the end of the road I decided to take a right and keep going. I was thinking about just clocking in four miles for good measure. I'm not even half-way down the next mile stretch of road, and some guy jumps out in-front of me. He was on a bike and popped out of the bushes; he came from freakin' no where. He rode by me really slowly and smiled. After having a mini-heart-attack, I continued on my way for about 15 seconds more and then stopped. I got the worst feeling ever. I was not supposed to continue that run; that is all I can tell you. I don't really know how to explain the feeling that overcame me. A lot of people can probably say that it was my adrenaline peaking from that guy jumping out in-front of me, but I think that it is more than that. I turned around and hauled ass. I have never run that fast before, ever. I went faster than I have ever gone doing sprints before. I easily ran half a mile in four minutes. I was flying.

My dog couldn't keep up, so I had to slow down. I should have kept going. I heard this whistle from a street I passed and I saw another guy on a bike. He turned and went the opposite direction as me, but I was starting to get really concerned. I had my phone on me and I went to call my mom, but she didn't pick up. Typical, right? I keep jogging and at this point I am freakin' out on the inside. As I am jogging, I see this reflection off of something metallic. I was coming up on some parked cars, so I thought I was just seeing something. Nope, I was seeing another guy on a bike. Taking his sweet-ass time riding towards me. All the guys that I saw tonight were wearing dark colors on dark bikes. People only wear dark colors at night if they don't want to be seen.

I had the worst feeling in my stomach. I started sweating and I know it wasn't because I had been running. I was freakin' nervous. After the guy passed me, I kicked it into high gear and bolted it home. I was basically dragging my dog, but I didn't care. If need be, I would have dropped her leash to go even faster. I don't know why she didn't bark at those guys, she usually does bark at people.

So, tonight I have realized that I can absolutely haul ass.

Oh and just for the record, I clocked my first mile in at 8:40. Finally getting my time down. I took me way less than that to get back home...

Decisions

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School is almost out and I have the summer before me! Yet, I don't; not really. I have the opportunity to be an Assistant Manager at Domino's Pizza and I don't know if I want that. My mom has always told me that I have the opportunity to work my whole life, and that I shouldn't be so uptight about working and getting hours. During Winter break I was working 50+ hours a week; that was rough. I made some serious bank, but it was worth it and I knew I would be getting a break from work once I got back to school. Over the weekends when I come home from school, I work 15 hours over three days. At this point in time, I am just a CSR for Domino's and I like how much money I am making right now.

I'm just confused because I just got off of the phone with my mom and she said I would be working only 15 hours a week if I stayed a CSR. I guess I just don't understand how I will be cut down so drastically once school is out. Someone is really going to stretch 15 hrs. over 7 days? I can't remember the last time I worked that little. 

Sorry, I'm kinda all over the place right now with my writing, but I am just irritated and unsure about what I want to do right now. I have three months off for summer vacation, but I have a lot of set things that I need to do during the summer. Also, my Aunt wants me to visit her down in Cali for a week and that will take even more of my summer up! I mean, I love her and all, but I need to decide. The point that I was trying to get across to my mom was that I have a lot of mandatory things I need to attended during the summer (scholarship meetings) and I don't know how being a A.M. will work out. 

Her response? "That is the decision you need to make when you move up into a manager position."

I love her, but right now she isn't really helping me decide. She might be a little biased because she is the Area Manager for the surrounding Domino's in the Eugene area, but still. I want to be an A.M., but I'm afraid that I will fail at the job. I don't have THAT many friends, so making sure that I have "enough time off" isn't an issue. I love my job too, and I love making pizzas, and I love dealing with customers. 

I have put my ass through the ringer this year with school. I never thought I would be this challenged in college, boy was I wrong. I'm just not going to get a break though. Is that wrong of me to want a break between college and work? This whole second semester I have worked every single weekend. I had no break between school and work, and that was extremely difficult. I'm blessed to have a job and to be able to go to school, and to do both. I am not complaining about either one of those. I guess I am just complaining about my mom. She didn't really say what I wanted to hear. I could tell that she was really disappointed that I wasn't for sure about the AM. position. She has all this faith in me, and I don't see it.

She sent me this text last night saying what a great older sister I was and how blessed she is to have me as a daughter. I honestly don't see it though. I couldn't get my sister to stop doing drugs. I couldn't keep my dad from going crazy and trying to kill us. Lately I just feel like this giant "let down" type of girl. I'm on the verge of getting B's in a lot of my classes, and I am not that kind of girl to just get B's. I put all the pressure on myself to be the best while no one else is expecting me to do good. Now, I am not saying B's are bad, but my standards for my self are really high. I still feel like I am trying to run away sometimes. In high school, the only thing that made it so I got good grades was the motivation to get out of my house and away from my family. I couldn't be there anymore. What has my motivation now? My dad doesn't live with us anymore (thank God), but my sister still makes life really difficult. My mom works 50+ hours a week; so, the only time I get to see her is when I am working, and even that is a gamble. When I go home, I go home to an empty house. I don't want to be a work-a-holic like my mom. I know she works a lot to provide, but I also know that she works a lot to escape the problems that are going on at home. Eh, she would probably tell me I'm wrong, but I think deep down I am right.

I don't want this blog to be "journal-esq", but I really needed to get this off my chest. I have a Final tomorrow, and I am not ready for that. I just want to finalize one more thing:

I am NOT taking for-granted the opportunities that have presented themselves. I love my mom, work, and school. Also, Domino's Pizza is the bomb! I just don't know what to do right now. 

-Peace out, Oregon.

P.S. I don't know if anyone has told you yet, but being an adult sucks.

Penelope Garcia

So I've gone on this SUPER BINGE of Criminal Minds; it is quite a problem.. The past two days, I have gone through almost two seasons. I have more important things to do.. like homework... ya dig? Guess what I am doing right this minute while writing this? Ding ding ding. Watching Criminal Minds. Okay, super fangirl aside. I have come to the conclusion that I absolutely LOVE Penelope Garcia.

She is one smart, tech-savvy, brilliant, beautiful, curvy, and badass woman. Also, I totally ship her and Derek Morgan. Anyways, let's back up a few days to how I came to this conclusion.

I've been talking to this guy recently. He is super nice and a total gentleman. We have been talking for about a week and we have so much in common! I lost interest. Not because he isn't a "bad-boy" or was weird, but since being on break for Easter and not working, I have been able to really think and just be with God. I don't want a boyfriend. I am content with working, working-out, eating. reading, and being obsessed with Netflix. I love doing what I want without having to report to someone. Since having this week long text-fest with my guy, I have realized that texting all day takes a lot of effort. I don't think that he was the right guy, which makes it easier to not talk to him.

I just love being alone. Okay back to Penelope. She dresses so eccentric  and is a badass hacker. This whole year in college I have been trying to find myself in God. A part of that comes with how I view myself as a part of His creation. Why should I not do fun and daring things with my outfits? Is there a rule that strong women can't dress how they want? Or can't wear lipstick? Or can't express their femininity? Maybe this is just my late night ravings on how I am tired of society, but I look up to Pen..

Peace out, Oregon

w/<3

Kela

Agree to Disagree

Can we agree that life is... What's the word.... Interesting? The past few weeks have been a struggle for me. I have had either really low downs, or super high ups. I have found myself falling back into my depression and then being depressed about the fact that I am depressed.  A really confusing cycle to be stuck in. I know what is depressing me, it is not like I am oblivious.

My sister has been gone for a bit over a month now. The longest she has ever ran away. Deep down, I don't think she is ever going to come back home. Don't mistake that sentence for me giving up on her. I will never give up on my sister. As I am continuing my life, I realize that there is nothing I wouldn't do for her. I have already done a lot of things for her that a lot of people don't know about, but I would still do anything for her. My mom and I were having a conversation one night and somehow it turned down the path of "if we could change the past". They way that God has shaped my families' path is interesting. If we would have stayed in Arizona, I wouldn't be at Corban and I would never have developed my musical abilities, I wouldn't know the people I know now. Now, maybe I would have gone somewhere with music, but only God knows that. If we did stay in Arizona, maybe my sister wouldn't be addicted to Meth. Maybe she would have never been raped. Maybe my father would never have become abusive. Maybe my sister would be safe. Maybe my sister would be home. There are so many unknown things. But as the days go on and my heart keeps hurting for my sister, I do know one thing: I would sacrifice everything for my sister. I would give up everything for her. I want her home. I want her to be with my mom. I want her to have a future. I want her to know God. I want her to be safe. I want all of her fears to go away. I would give up my life for my sister, if I just knew that she would be okay. If she would be clean.

God gave me the ability to be a musician. I would willingly give everything away. Not as "God, I don't love the gift you gave me", but as "God, I love my sister". Does that make sense? Maybe not.  I can't stop thinking about her though. Maybe you have a family member who is struggling with addiction. You know my pain. My defeat. My heartache. My nightmares of finding my sister dead or watching her overdose.

Drugs ruin. They ruin everything. They ruin you, your family, your coworkers. I can tell when someone is on drugs. When they are using. My brother does Heroin, my sister does Meth, my dad is an alcoholic and a pill popper. It breaks my heart to see people using.

In one of Ed Sheeran's songs, he talks about how he can't do anything with his life if he has a crack pipe in his hand...

Ehm.. Valentine's Day?

As I am packing my bags, getting ready to go home, I can't stop thinking about it... Valentine's Day. I have come to love/hate this National Holiday. Well actually, just hate. But! This year is going to be different! I am not going to think about my single status, I am just going to make it a special day for me. I work quite a long shift on V-Day, but after that, I think I have the perfect after-work night plan.

Here it is:

1. Take a bubble bath (with candles)
2. Eat a whole pizza (can't decide if I'm going to go small, or medium)
3. Put on "P.S. I love you"
4. Start reading "Outlander"
5. Cuddle with my dog
6. Probably find some chocolate

Quite frankly, I'm pretty excited. There is something embarrassing I should probably share... I really want to get asked out for Valentine's Day. There is a slim to -100 percent chance that it will happen, but deep down inside, I really want to be asked out. I even packed a dress for this weekend. Ugh. In reality though, would I really say yes to the guy who asked me out? For some reason I have this intense/insane, fear/no-confidence thing with guys. I can talk to them, then I can't talk to them.

I've only had one boyfriend (ended quite badly, I might add) and the only thing I miss is holding hands. Not with him! Just in general. With all of this "love" talk, it is just making me want a boyfriend even more. I don't want a boyfriend to just have a boyfriend, I want that boyfriend to be my husband. Call me crazy.

Well I am going to stop talking about my singleness now. I hope you have a great Valentine's Day and a great weekend.

w/love,
Kela

Giving UP

Why do we go to college? So someone can can hand us a piece of paper worth a bajillion dollars? How lame. We jump through so many loops to be "certified". I know why so many people drop out of college. High school was hard enough, and now I need to go BACK to school for four years? Don't worry, I'm not dropping out of college (doesn't mean I haven't thought about it).

I have experienced credit overload, and I have ended up dropping one of my classes. I wasn't sleeping and I never got to see my friends (which isn't THAT important). I was falling behind in all my classes and I was receiving "F's" is more than one class. I have gotten most of my grades up, but it has been a struggle.

Today while doing my incredibly fun math homework, I wanted to give up. I came across this one problem and I couldn't finish it! I got half of the problem, but then I couldn't figure out the other half. Instead of giving up, like I usually do when it comes to math, I took a deep breath and I looked at the problem again. After a minute of throwing it around in my head, I finished the problem! Thank the LORD for having the answers in the back of the book!! Anyways, once I finished my math I realized how easy it is for us to give up, me especially. I feel guilty when I don't finish something, but sometimes I get so frustrated that I can't see the process through. My math problem was like an eureka moment for me. I can't give up any more. 

Let me clarify though, I don't give up on everything. The only things that I give up on are homework. Which is bad because I am paying for my tuition and I kinda need this education for my future, but... I'm not a quitter. Not for work, not for family, not for working out; just homework.

Speaking of working out.. I ran my first 4.5 mi. stint the other night! I'm still sore, and I feel absolutely wonderful. I collapsed in my yard once I finished my run and I had probably the stupidest smile on my face. I am still smiling! When I first started running, I was struggling for my mile. Then I was struggling for my mile and a half. I posted a picture on Instagram (typical {only time ever}) and I wrote about it, but I realized I got the mileage wrong. I said the most I have ever ran was 3 miles, but in reality it was 2.5 miles. I mean, I added on two whole miles to my run and I feel great. I've been so afraid of failure and inadequacy (pertaining to running) that I don't push myself. Deep down I knew that I could go further than 2 miles because I was never satisfied with how far I've been running. There was this hunger inside me to go further, but I just quit when I got to a certain point. No more. Now that I know what I can do, I will never be satisfied with running less. 

Oregon, don't give up and put those miles in. Where you start doesn't matter, it is where you end up.

w/love,

Kela