Okay?

I still don't know where I want to go with this blog, I don't want it turn into my diary, but I also don't want to have to censor my thoughts. I think words should reflect how we feel and what we really think about things. I don't have to be crude in my writings, that is not what I am going for at all, but I want a real life aspect to my blog. I don't have good advice, so I don't think I could have an advice column. The good Lord knows that my boy advice is horrible. I am the worst when it comes to guys. Anyways, bear with me

Second semester, so far, has been a trip. I am currently taking 19 credits, but in reality it is more like 21. The Music Department has decided to cut some three credit classes down to one because they know we can't fit more than 19 credits into our schedule without paying a fee. So, classes have been interesting. I have this one person who always asks how many credits I am taking, he asks me every time I see him, and he always tells me that "19 credits is super easy, it's not too hard"; and that just pisses me off. First, he failed a class last semester and he is no place to tell me that "it's easy". Well if it was so easy, why did YOU fail a class last semester? Ahh, the things I say in my head and don't say out loud, yet....

Unfortunately, my family life hasn't quite yet been glued back together. I know that in my household, I should never expect things to turn out okay. "Okay" isn't the way the Hebert family rolls, sadly. If I could time travel back to my ten year old self, I would sit her down and tell her that she's gonna make it.  Life isn't awesome, I'm not in that place and I might never be. The thing is, I'm okay with that. I know life isn't easy. We definitely don't always get what we want, but through all the pain and suffering there is hope.

For almost six years I was angry with God. I was close to hating Him. In church, they preach "God is with you", "God will protect you", and so on and so on. That is what I got out of church when I was younger, so I had expectations. I didn't know the full ramification of what God's love was or His take on time.  I was mad at God because I thought He let my family fall apart. I thought He just let my father abuse his family, and that God turned His back on me because my father turned his back on God. I was wrong, but those were some of the loneliest years I have experienced because I didn't have God in my life. Knowing what I know now, I am so grateful for everything I have been through. I have cried more tears in my life than I thought I ever would, I have had my heart broken by the man who is supposed to be your first love, but that is okay. God has protected me in so many ways. Sometimes when I am thinking about the past, it dawns on me that IT HAD TO go that way. My home life could have gone a lot worse, but God was watching over his daughter. I'm not saying that in a boastful way. So many people have horrible lives, but I'm done focusing on the bad that lives in my life. Sure, sometimes we need a reality check and we sometimes delve into the past, but the past isn't going to haunt me anymore.

Long story short, God is hope. You may think I am crazy and quite honestly, I think you are right. Call me crazy, but when this world goes up in flames, I want to be HOME with God, not in a place where nightmares are real. It is hard to have faith. I struggle with my faith all the time. I think I am the worst Christian ever, but that is okay. I still have my doubts sometimes, I still worry. I am human. Life isn't peaceful, but that is okay. I'm okay.

A Change in Thinking

 I have had a long time to think about myself the past couple of days and I realize that I believe too much of what the media tells me. I'm done believing in what the media says.

I. AM. BEAUTIFUL.

I have spent so much of my life hating what God created because society has told me that I am ugly. I'm D.O.N.E. with thinking I'm ugly. I will no longer walk with my head down, I will no longer wear a jacket over my shirts to hide my body, I will no longer be afraid..

I'm not saying that my perception of my body is on point or that I don't have bad days. Some days I change my outfit at least four times because I think I am fat, but then I mentally slap myself and put on my original outfit. 

Genesis 1:27 states:

"So God created man in His own image,

in the image of God He created them;

male and female He created them."

These thoughts don't just pop up out of nowhere though. The last five years have been devastatingly hard on my family. Surprise, I found comfort in food. Senior year of high school I found myself at a very high number on the scale. Numbers are not everything, but that was my turning point for me. Now, a year later, I have lost 60 pounds, gone down four pant sizes, and have downgraded two shirt sizes. It was not an easy road. I cried a lot, binge ate, and had shameful thoughts about myself. At some point though, something must have changed. I began to LOVE running and weight training. In fact, I try to run at least 5 times a week. Not because I want to be skinny, but because it helps keep me in shape; both mentally and physically. Even now, I don't want to be "skinny". I don't want to drop to a single digit pant size, it just doesn't seem like me. But I do want to be able to kick ass.  My journey hasn't stopped, but it has become easier with the fact that I am no longer fighting God's word.  

Another thing, I am not saying that "plus-size" women are not beautiful; because they are. I'm tired of hearing society tell women they are not beautiful just because they are a certain size. I hope that all women will someday give the middle finger to society and be whatever size they want to be.

Here is my middle finger to society:

I'm not counting calories

I'm not going to be mad when I don't go on the run I told myself I would go on

I'm not going to be ashamed of my curves

I'm going to love the body God gave me (flaws and blemishes included)

I'm going to wear stripes when I damn well please, even if it "doesn't fit my body type"

Things are not always going to be great. When those days come though, I am going to look back on how far I have come and I am going to lean on God for my strength. This world does a damn good job at tearing us down, but when I give my fears to God, my days get a little better.

Drink your coffee Oregon and treat yo' self,

w/love,

Kela

The Merry-Go-Round

Lately I have been referring to life as a "merry-go-round". If you think about it, they hold similarities; the ups and downs, the slowness/speed, and the times where you want the ride to end or to never stop. I haven't posted anything since Finals week, and for that I am sorry. It is not that my life has been boring, or I didn't want to talk to you, but I've been busy. I worked every day over Christmas break and I liked it, but I didn't at the same time. I know what work is like, I worked at Subway and I was housekeeping for a motel before I started at Domino's, but it felt like I didn't get a break from school.

I'm on the merry-go-round right now and I feel like it is going a bit too fast, I'm on an uncomfortable horse, and I don't have a belt strapped around me. Oh, and the merry-go-round sometimes jerks to a stop then continues full speed ahead. It is not like I am constantly on the down part of the ride, there have been some really great "ups" so far:

1. I have a job
2. I moved down pant sizes
3. I bought some new books

Sometimes though, it is easier to focus on the "downs". I don't want to dwell on the "down" side of life though...

I only have one New Years resolution: becoming closer to God. I need to spend more time with Him and I want this to be a new beginning in the relationship I have with Him.

Peace out, Oregon,

w/<3
Kela


P.S. Don't focus on the "down" side of the merry-go-round

Dead Week and a Surprise

It's basically over. Dead week is basically over.... Thank you LORD..

I know why they call it "dead week", and I can gladly say that I survived dead week. This week was rough. Probably one of the longest weeks that I have had to go through yet. Staying up 'til 1 am then having early classes is brutal. I have taken so many naps this week. A lot of naps. I have had three finals this week. I have a concert tonight and then two more tomorrow. I am actually grateful that I am so busy and that I have the opportunity to be in the band and to be attending school. I just wish it didn't make me feel like a mummy.

As a Freshman, I was put into a group (Core Group) that put all the Freshman together who had the same major; i.e. Music.  I have grown close to these people even though I don't get a long with all of them most of the time. These people have become family, and they have done something amazing for me. They remembered. They remembered that holidays (especially Christmas) are hard for me. When I walked into my room I saw a present on my bed. The note on top of the gift read:
                   
 "You voiced that you haven't been able to enjoy Christmas. We hope that you enjoy Christmas this year. We love you. -Your Core Group Family"

The box was filled with cute things, but most importantly a journal. I keep several journals, each journal has a different use. Some are rants and some are prayer journals. This journal is going to be for my husband. Call me crazy, but this is what I want to do with the amazing gift they have given me. Sometimes we all need to be reminded that we are loved.

Embarrassing moments

I guess it is just one of those days. You know what I'm talking about; the days when your car breaks down and you are late for an interview, or your nylons have a run in them and you didn't notice when you got dressed, or you slip down the stairs, or you just feel like the whole world is against you because you are pms-ing. Yeah, it's been one of those days.

First day back since Thanksgiving break and man, what a day. Once I get my stuff unloaded from my truck I have to head down into a group project meeting. I don't know what it is about group projects and I, but we don't really vibe well. It's not the material, it's certain people that God has placed into my life. (Still trying to figure out why he puts someone in my life when we obviously DON'T see eye to eye)
Two hours later, I am stepping out of the grill line and run into this guy! I didn't realize he came up behind me and I stepped on his foot. Now it wasn't just a light tap on his foot, he completely caught me off guard and I fell into him; which meant my full body weight on some poor, cute guy's foot. Not only did I step on him, fall into him, and almost lose my food, I also spilled his drink everywhere. I wanted to die. I try my best to blend into the scene and be a total wallflower... Wallflowers don't run into guys and crush their feet.
Fast forward a few hours later.. Just finished with the shower, after a quick round at the gym, and I'm stepping out to go to my room and there is a guy in the hallway! I'm in my towel, we make eye contact and I haul tail back into the bathroom! Obviously this guy was a RA and there was a female RA with him, but I mean, they didn't even announce that there was a man on the floor. Now, I wasn't embarrassed that a guy saw me in a towel, it's long enough to be a short dress, but I was so shocked and mortified because he was handsome. 

It hasn't been a bad day, just a very interesting one that has surprised me. I don't write because I wan't to complain to you (okay maybe a little), but maybe you can find humor in the things I post, or find some things relatable with what's going on in your life. Maybe no one is reading this, but maybe YOU are reading this.I hope that if you are having one of those days, you can sit back and laugh about the embarrassing/weird things that have happened.

Stay classy, Oregon.
w/love,
Kela

Procrastination

It's true. I wish I didn't have to tell you this, but I'm a procrastinator. A pretty good one if I do say so myself! I have only finished one thing from my homework load, and I have many more things to do. I have probably watched over eight hours of Netflix within the last 24 hours (really lazy) and I seem to do everything except for my homework. I feel like I have come to the point where I just want to be done with this semester. I think that a lot of college students hit the same wall I am currently hitting.

I am already planning out a full day of procrastination! I am going to go to Barnes and Noble to finish a book I started there a while ago, I might drop into Bath and Body Works to torture myself, and I might get my oil changed today. Now, I will end up doing homework today; I just don't know when. I have a huge presentation due on Thursday, but.... I haven't gotten all my information for that done either. Hello Procrastination.

I have a problem.

w/love,
Kela

A Picture From The Past

Ah, Thanksgiving. The day we are supposed to revel in the things we are thankful for. Today I will see a bajillion posts on Facebook from people talking about what they are thankful for. I have things to be thankful for as well; I have a home, my mom hasn't left me, and my sister is alive. When I was younger, I never understood why holidays were a sad time for people. As life continues and I get older, I now understand why people don't enjoy holidays. On holidays we're supposed to be surrounded by our families and reminisce on the good times we have had. Not everyone has that or is able to experience that.

Last night I got home from college and I decided to clean the house; a surprise for my mom since I am not able to do much for her since I am in school. As I was cleaning, I came across a picture of my sister and I. We are in Nevada I think, or maybe New Mexico ( I can't remember, it have been quite a while),  I'm about 9 and she is probably 7. This picture breaks my heart. I can't stop looking at it. She is holding my arm and has the biggest smile on her face. She is innocent. I am innocent.

I never thought my life would change so drastically on so many different levels, but I guess that was the thinking of my nine year old brain.

 

My sister  has been struggling with an addiction to Meth since the age of 13. It didn't start out with Meth though. When we moved back to Oregon, I was about 13 and my sister was 11. I went to the local high school as a freshman and my sister went to the the local middle school as a  seventh-grader. My family fortunately(at the time)/unfortunately (now) moved to a very, very small town. Needless to say, we were the new girls. I guess middle school is hell, and this middle school was no exception. Every day after school I would hold my sister as she cried in my arms. Kids at the school would chase her and throw rocks at her. Calling her names and physically harassing her was the only thing my sister got from school. Home life was starting to take a different path than what we were used to. My dad was unable to find a teaching job in Oregon, so that meant that only my mom was working. Things started going downhill pretty fast.
The story of my father is not important at this time, I will tell that later. My sister is what is important right now.
The middle of my sister's seventh grade year, she started drinking and smoking pot. In a weird way, I still wish that she was ONLY smoking pot. The naive 13 year old me thought the world was over though. My little sister getting the cops called to the school because she has a bong in her backpack. The word spread like wildfire and the constant teasing and harassment only got worse for both of us.

While my sister was struggling with pot, my dad was struggling with not having a job. He turned to alcohol. He is a very violent/crazy drunk. I had my ways of dealing with everything going on in the house, and so did my sister. At first she turned to boys. She had her first boyfriend years before I would have mine. Pretty soon she would start going to parties and popping pills. My dad was never a constant in the house, and when he was in the house things were very bad. My mom worked three jobs for the first year, so she was never home because there was no one else to support the family. I was the one to first watch my sister go down hill.

I watched my sister crawl up the stairs because she was so high she couldn't walk. I would walk through the cemetery at night to look for my sister because she was drunk. I would hold my sister's hair back as she would throw up in the toilet because she was too drunk to do it herself. I would break up the fights my sister would get in. I have watched my sister turn into a bag of bones, right before my eyes.  I was the one who had to tell my mom that I thought my sister was doing Meth.

 -----> I hope I have caught your attention, and I would like to mention something else before I continue:
My mom has done everything she possible can to take care of my sister and I. Unless you are living with us, unless you have gone through exactly what we have/are going through, there is no way it is alright to judge. I have grown up with people telling me that my mom is a horrible mom for letting her daughter get involved with drugs and for working so much.When you are poor there is not a lot you can do. People don't see what my mom has done for us, and that kills me. You make think you know what you would do if you were in my situation, but things change once you are actually put into the situation. Trust me.<-------

Drugs destroy. They destroy a family, relationships, life, and futures. My mom has done everything she could do. We have sent my sister out of State. My mom cut back work hours. The thing is, you can't stop someone from doing what they want.  Do I think my sister wanted her life to be ruined? No, but my sister wanted the holes that were being created in her heart to be filled up. My sister turned to drugs once people started hurting her. We all turn to something when we are hurt, but unfortunately sometimes those things end up hurting us more than the things we are going through at the time.

I could go on for hours about everything that has transpired since the first day my sister decided to do drugs, but I think that would be too much for right now.

You may be wondering what the hell this has to do with Thanksgiving:

I found a picture and it is bringing back painful memories. That's what this post has to do about Thanksgiving.

 Today is Thanksgiving and currently I am sitting here staring at a picture of my sister and I, while my sister is currently not home. Holidays have painful ties to the past. Holidays are lonely. Holidays suck. Even though my family has its problems, I love my mom and sister. I will not stop loving my sister. One day, she will get her life together. I pray for her every day. I have people at my college pray for her. My mom and I are trying to help her, but it is her choice to accept it.

I wanted the starting posts of my blog to be happy and light, but I don't want to lie to you about how my life is going. My life isn't always light and happy. I do know though that my life isn't the worst. I could be homeless, I could be getting raped every day. I am blessed that God has given me what he has.

Life isn't a competition, and our problems are not a competition I never want to sound like I'm trying to win a competition on "who's life sucks", but I want to be real.

Stay classy and drink your coffee, Oregon.

w/love,
Kela